What about the children?

When our son Jesse died, I thought the death of a child was the worst grief a person could  experience in this life. 

But what about the children? Especially surviving children in a family but others, too—friends, kids on the block who play together . . . What about them? 

We say children are resilient. I suppose in some ways they are, but children like their routines, need their friends, their brothers and sisters, who are part of them, part of their lives, and they have just been hammered. It hurts, wounds, injures, and will continue to hurt, wound, and injure. They may find a place to bury their grief, but their grief’s not dead. 

Adults are hit hard, too. A part of their life has just been ripped out and they need help too. But it’s children I’m talking about now. How do we help them cope with their grief when their brother or sister, their best friend next door, a favorite classmate, has died? 

Our children, Daniel and Cassandra, were 11 and 8 when Jesse died. For years, shortly after his name came up at the dinner table or other gathering, we would notice that Cassandra had left the room, so quietly you didn’t notice it right away, for a normally very present child. And Daniel? He and Jesse created and recorded hilarious stories on a cassette player. Once I foolishly offered to play Jesse and record a story with Daniel. His response after we played it back? “No more stories.” 

We’re human. We carry great pain with us when someone we love dies. It changes us, becomes part of who we are. This is true for children, and they’re just starting out. Daniel and Cassandra are full-fledged adults now, living their lives, working and playing. And they continue to carry the grief of the loss of their brother. 

I have no answers, not now anyway. Right now I can only ask the question: Do we have a special responsibility to love and support children and young people who are grieving the loss of someone close to them? And do we feel that in our hearts as well as our minds? 

What about the children? 


Previous
Previous

Taking Down the Pictures

Next
Next

Grief and healing, healing and grief